This will be my first post… The truth is, I’ve been putting this off because the thought of opening up to others about my struggles is still terrifying. I feel exposed and vulnerable. This feeling brings bad thoughts and memories. I’ve been sitting at my desk now for an hour and I’ve managed to get a few words out but my fingers are trembling as I type this and my head is pounding in rhythm to the thrumming of my heart as it tries to break from my chest.
You may not agree with everything that I have to say and that’s ok but I will write openly and without censor. Some of what I am going to say may be troubling to some so please understand that this is a difficult topic for me. I am choosing to share so that others may also face their issues. We can’t win this battle unless we arm ourselves with the right tools and we need to speak out in order to find those tools.
The Battle Within…
There are days when I wake up, smile, and tell myself that today will be a beautiful day… then, there are days when I wake up with a heavy weight on my chest, pain in my entire body, an overwhelming feeling of sadness and dread, and a desire to pull the sheets over my head, wrap my arms tight around my pillow and cry as I lay in the safety of my bed. On those days, I feel like no one understands me because even I hardly understand myself.
This may sound odd but it feels like being trapped in a perpetual wheel of PMS! My emotions come in waves, powerful and overwhelming. *blush* I’ve actually sat and cried like there’s no tomorrow and I couldn’t even understand what I was crying about, I just felt a wave of sadness so intense that I couldn’t help myself.
Sometimes I can clearly pinpoint the triggers that set me off. My mind never stops working and I tend to overthink EVERYTHING.
Meeting strangers is a horrifying experience because I’m so terrified of what they think of me… My mind loves to whisper bad thoughts about how they must be judging me for my appearance. Before I even speak, I’ve already run various scenarios in my head of all the possible outcomes to whatever I say.
“What if I just say ‘Hello’? Will they laugh at my voice? Will I studder? What if they already hate me? Why did I wear this, it makes me look fat… My eyes are starting to water, my voice is going to tremble, my hands are fidgeting… I bet I look like a crazy lady!… What if this goes well and then we become friends and then they end up hurting me in the future because people always hurt eachother…”
I know, with thoughts like that, I would be a great hermit!
I guess this would be a good time to mention that I’ve worked in customer service since I was in high school. For the past 10 years, I managed a dental office. Until recently, no one knew that I suffered from anxiety and depression. When I did tell my co-workers, they couldn’t believe it because they said I always smile and seem so happy and in control.
I consider myself high functioning when I’m at work. Over analyzing interactions has turned into one of my tools. I’m able to utilize my over active mind to aid me in interacting with new patients, anticipating their responses to treatment presentations, and having ready answers to their concerns.
I know that not everything can be turned into a positive tool but at least this is one thing that did work for me. I would love to hear from you guys regarding thoughts on the matter. Have you found a way to turn any of your problems into positives and if so, please share in the comments.
It’s midnight now so I’m going to head to bed. Have a wonderful night and I look forward to hearing from you all.